Roca's Birth Story

I want to start this story by saying that I am the luckiest woman in the world and I feel grateful to have a beautiful, healthy baby boy. Roca’s birth experience was basically everything I knew I wanted to avoid (if I had the option). My plan (I was flexible, but this was my ideal plan in an ideal world) was to have a vaginal birth with no pain medication. I wanted to be able to move around and bring Roca into a calm environment. But, alas, we have zero control over how these things pan out and baby Roca tried very hard to enter the world via a vaginal delivery, but it just didn’t happen. Honestly, writing out his birth story isn’t something I ever thought I would do. I saw other mom’s share birth stories on social media and thought - why? Which is ironic, because I loved reading them. But writing this is as much a form of therapy for me as it is a way to share his story. Currently, when I think about the c-section and the two days after it makes me want to cry (my best friend told me she feels the same way about one of her births). It was a beautiful, but also traumatic event and I’m hoping I can work past those feelings sometime soon. 

LABOR

On Tuesday August 3, I was home by myself and experienced what I thought might be my water breaking. A similar event had happened a couple times in the two days leading up to this, but I didn’t realize it was my water breaking. Movies really need to stop portraying some crazy gallon of liquid splashing on the floor - because that’s exactly what I was anticipating, so I questioned myself for three days thinking it had to be more dramatic than it actually was. 

I called my husband Ryan and my doctor. My doctor confirmed that she believed it was my water breaking and we should go to the hospital for confirmation. Ryan rushed home from work and we went straight to the hospital. At that point we were both super excited, but in the back of my mind I was still doubting it was actually going to happen. 

We arrived at triage in Labor and Delivery, they tested the fluids to make sure my water had broken, and it was positive. We waited while they monitored the baby (we had to make sure neither myself or the baby had gotten an infection since we suspected my water had been broken for a few days at this point) and eventually moved to the labor and delivery suite. I was told we would have to start Pitocin (the first thing I did not want to do) to get things moving along at a faster pace. We started the Pitocin early in the evening. Ryan and I played The Rolling Stones (I had been listening to them non stop over the past week or so at home and knew I wanted to have them playing in the background when I gave birth), ate some snacks, watched the Olympics and played Rummy. Eventually it was time to chill, watch some Netflix and attempt to sleep before the big day. 

Ryan fell asleep and my contractions started to get stronger. I wasn’t able to sleep, but also didn’t want to wake him because I knew we had a long day ahead of us and I wasn’t at the point where I required assistance. We had a sweet morning when he woke up. We showered in the labor and delivery suite, attempted to go for a walk (but got redirected back to our room due to COVID restrictions) and Ryan went to get coffee and breakfast. 

The nurses continued to amp up the dosage of Pitocin and my contractions began to get way more intense. Ryan coached me through every single one, rubbing my back, holding on to my hips and telling me I was doing a great job. After about 8-10 hours of contractions 1-2 minutes apart, I was told that it could still be 5-6 more hours. At that point I was exhausted and started to experience a lot of pain. I had to evaluate with Ryan. I could endure the pain and exhaustion for 2 even 3 more hours; but 5-6 didn’t seem doable. I decided to get the epidural (second thing I planned on avoiding) so I could be a little more present when Roca actually arrived. I was so exhausted already I didn’t think I would even be able to open my eyes by the time I gave birth. 

The epidural felt like such a relief and I was finally able to rest. After a few hours, I started experiencing insane back pain. It felt like it was deep in my organs. I have a high pain threshold, but this was next level. At that point I had also been throwing up for a few hours, so I was completely depleted. I tried to breathe through the pain and assumed the epidural would continue to minimize the sensation, but it didn’t. The nurse brought the anesthesiologist back into the room and he said he could give me a supplemental dose of pain meds through the epidural in my back. Once he did this, the pain subsided for about an hour or so. We had to repeat this three times, because the pain kept coming back. 

The timeline from now until the c-section is a little blurry (makes sense considering all the medication I was given). Things proceeding the c-section included (but not necessarily in this timeline): my doctor came in and told me we were at risk for infection, but she would give me five more hours to see if I would dilate past 8.5cm, and if not, we would have to do a c-section; multiple nurses came in and tried putting me in different positions to start to initiate movement of the baby; the midwife came in and manually tried to open my cervix (you can imagine how pleasant this was). 

After all was said and done, none of this worked, and my OB came back to break the news to me gently. Thank god for Ryan. He knew how devastating this was for me, and he knew how scared I was of having surgery. But at the end of the day, of course we wanted to do what was best for the baby. The nurses prepped me for surgery, and Ryan held my hand every step of the way. Once they placed me on the table, it was very surreal. The operating room consisted of about 10 women (nurses and my OB). They were moving so quickly like little ants on a mission. It took what felt like forever for them to let Ryan in. Once he came in, they asked him if he had music he wanted to play, and he played The Rolling Stones for me. I was shaking uncontrollably and I was beyond terrified. 

THE C-SECTION

I was tested multiple times by a nurse to make sure I was completely numb. The first four times she tested me (by using a sharp item and poking me to see if I could feel it) I still had feeling in my abdomen, which scared the shit out of me. What if I could still feel my belly when they started the surgery? Finally by the fifth test, I couldn’t feel, so they began prepping me for the procedure. During the c-section I didn’t feel pain, only tugging and some intense pressure. At one point I could smell my skin burning and heard them calling out names of my organs. Being awake during surgery is such a strange concept.

Finally I heard Ryan say that we were so close to meeting our baby and I just tried to keep breathing and focusing on the end game. A few minutes later, the doctor held up Roca against the plastic sheet so I could see him. The nurses took him over to clean him off, Ryan went to be with him and then brought him over to me. We were both so in love and so happy that he was safe and healthy. 

POST OP

Over the next two days, I felt what I can only describe as a combination of the most intense love I’ve ever known and complete numbness. I was in a ton of pain and extremely swollen from all of the fluids I was given. I kept crying to Ryan telling him I didn’t feel like myself at all. I could barely walk five steps across the room because of the pain at the incision site and the swelling around my knees and feet that made it almost impossible to bend my knees or flex my ankles. I couldn’t grasp the fact that I went into surgery weighing less than I did when I came out. Only three days before I was jumping around and exercising; now I could barely get out of bed to pick up my baby when he cried. I was completely sleep deprived. A nurse had to come in to check mine and the baby’s vitals every 45-60 minutes, so combined with feeding the baby, there was no time to sleep. These factors plus the amount of pain medication I was given over a 48 hour period made me feel so strange and disconnected. 

Once we were finally discharged from the hospital and got home, everything changed. I was able to shower (the most satisfying shower I’ve ever taken), eat real food and was so much more comfortable. Having access to Roca’s room, our couch, kitchen, bathroom and just being in our own space was a complete game changer. The drugs started to wear off and we were able to settle into our home with Roca. 

I was convinced (no matter what any nurse or mother told me) that the swelling would never go down and this was my new body. I still couldn’t walk well and was super uncomfortable. What I can tell you is that the swelling DOES GO DOWN. The timeline is different for everyone, but it took me about 1 week to get back to normal. I’ve heard other people say 3 weeks and some say longer. But it will happen. The pain from the incision gradually started to get better. Tylenol helped, but now at two weeks post op it’s so much easier to move around and I’m experiencing hardly any pain. 

Everyone goes through different struggles whether it’s during pregnancy, labor, or parenthood. However, I would do it all over 1000x to get my sweet baby Roca. These past two weeks have been magical, and watching every yawn, eyebrow raise, sneeze and smile in his sleep has been the biggest reward I’ve ever received.